|You should see my washboard abs!|
Now, I am back out of my shell, feeling great and ready to move full steam ahead with adventures started years ago. A little has changed and now I am using a blog directed at everyone involved in marketing and purchasing homes instead of a newsletter directed only at Realtors. It’s about time to bring Wally Raindrop back, don’t you think? Here is the introduction to Wally in Issue 94 of my newsletters on April 2, 2004 with a few revisions for our new blog world.
The Adventures of Wally Raindrop
|Hi! I am Wally Raindrop|
Fritz Freezing and Harry Hailstone visiting often. We made him remove around 4 feet of mud and put back stone. You have never seen such a line of big dump trucks coming from the rock quarry in your life. We froze and burst the fire protection water riser, man it looked like Niagara Falls but frozen, it was beautiful. I can still see him every afternoon about dusk handing out one hundred dollar bills to the nuts who had braved Fritz Freezing all day long attempting to install the roof.
After it was all over and he met the deadline, we didn't give up. Between all of us, we caused the roof to leak, after placing 250 buckets, his people stopped counting. The roof hadn't sealed properly because of Fritz Freezing great work and the crew who had never installed this type roof before. Ultimately, they had to remove and replace the roof with the product (clean beer cans ready for the Miller plant) stored in the warehouse. As if that wasn't enough, years later one of our little friends burned that sucker to the ground. We just can't stand for Hilton to win. Now we have a problem, he has stopped building and we can't molest him anymore, or can we? Don't dare breathe a word of this to him, he wouldn't be happy, but we are taking over his little blog. Aren't you excited? No more of his boring crap, along with all of my little friends we will make this a fun happening.
So, what is it we are going to do? Well, you will be surprised how much more we know about houses than Hilton. Ever give any thought to how long we have been around? Hilton is a child compared to us. I still remember when you dumb humans slept on the ground until you became smart enough to provide yourself with shelter. Ever since you got brighter, me and all of my little friends have been trying to get you wet again. If you think Hilton and all of his home inspector friends know about houses, you ain't seen nothing yet. As we run through your houses, we have accumulated a lot of knowledge over the millenniums. We have seen both the good, the bad and the evil, and we lurk where you never look and wreak havoc on your and your client’s investment.
If there is one thing I have learned over the years it is that man has not yet determined you can construct perfect shelter. Let's take a peak at how an average proper home should react to my visit:
Now, as you know, I fall from the sky. The first thing I encounter is the trees, that is if I don't end up on a fast moving jet to Vegas first. You do have trees higher than your house, don't you? Well some people are blessed and some are not, but they will grow if I keep coming and some nut, like Hilton in his former life, doesn't cut them down. Ideally, if I land on a leaf and slid off, I don't land on the home (we will talk more about that at a later date). The highest point of your home I land on is probably the chimney cap, you do have one of those, don't you? They are good for keeping me out of the flue as well as those dastardly little chimney Swifts. Oh, I am getting off of the subject, Hilton's good at that as well. Down the cap, over the crown, down the side of the chimney across the counter and step flashing down the roof, into the valley, across the drip cap into the gutter, through the downspout protector, down the downspout, through the downspout piping or splash block, across the yard and onto the neighbors property where I can be a nuisance to them and not bother your home. That is, if the dog doesn't lick me up first, but that trip is another story. Such is the ideal encounter your home will have with my visit. Fortunately for me, since I am taking up authoring this little rag sheet, such is not usually the case and I get to visit all sorts of places in homes.